Kaffemaschine

Since moving to Germany, Papa has been drinking horrible instant coffee at home. Mama and I won't touch the stuff. He doesn't seem to mind it much but every now and again he says "This stuff is shit, shame we can't have good coffee here at home".

So, while they have been at language classes I have been looking for a coffee machine for Papa. I found one that looked good on a website where people sell their second hand stuff.

I emailed the guy, who's name is Wolfgang. What a cliche! I said my Papa would like to buy the machine if it works 100%. Wolfie said it did. Sweet.

So when Papa came home yesterday I said "Papa, you don't have to drink that instant shit anymore, I've found you a really good machine!"

"Oh yea?" he said, "Where is it?"

"Some place called Rudow". I said, but I didn't know how to get there.

"Okay, let's check it out."

So Papa started texting with Wolfie about the price of the machine, if we could test it, and where the guy lived. Wolfie said he lived near a U-Bahn called Lipshitzallee but it would be too far on foot to his house. He would pick us up in his car and take us to his house to test the machine.

Papa said to me "Oh man Barney, going in a strangers car, what should we do? We can either test it and know we aren't getting ripped off, or we can take a gamble and just get him to bring the machine to the U-Bahn and not get murdered."

So I said to Papa "What would Nanna say if she found out you went in some strange dudes car?...she'd be pissed at you Papa. Don't do it!"

Taking my advice, Papa double checked with Wolfie that the machine was all in order and then just arranged for the transaction to 'go down' at the train station. We were to meet Wolfie at 16:00 - as they say in Germany.

Papa says that Rudow is a bit of a way away, so we had to leave home at 3pm (15:00 for the Germans). I was pretty excited, even though I pretended the machine is for Papa, I want the benefits of it too!!

We had to walk to the S-Barney first, and then take 3 separate trains. What an adventure for me!

It didn't take us as long as expected, so we arrived at the Lipshitzallee station at 3:35pm. Papa and I keep laughing at the station name..hahaha. Lipshitz.

As we were early, we went for a little walk around the area. Papa kept saying "This is so Clockwork Orange'ey", I'm not really sure what he meant but he said it was a film that this place reminded him of. This place is much different to ours, huge apartment blocks everywhere.

Papa then started to try to inform us about the area, but Mama and I didn't really give a shit. He said "This whole area was designed by a guy called Walter Gropius, and is called Gropiusstadt. He was the founder of the Bauhaus design school and a giant of Modern Architecture. Unfortunately his goal in this area for a harmonious city area didn't really eventuate and this area has been know for crime and other troubles ever since it was built in 1960."

As I said. No one gives a shit. Where's Wolfie?

Even with Papa's 'amazing' story, we still had time to kill, so we took in some of Gropius's work. Clockwork Orange, Modernism, Harmony? Whatevs.

Finally, well bang on 16:00, Wolfie arrived. He didn't look like the serial killer we were expecting and he walked us back to his car. Papa tried to take sneaky pictures of him just in case he tried to kill us and we needed to go to the police.

At the car Wolfie showed us the machine. Mama and Papa were impressed at how good it was. Yay for me for picking it out! 55 Euros they got it for. He told us to bring a big bag, however ours was not big enough! So Wolfie kindly gave us one to take.Not bad eh!

We waved Wolfie goodbye and got back on the three trains home, with our machine. Woo hoo!

At home Papa filled it up, water and beans. Had Wolfie ripped us off? No, the thing is bloody perfect. 

Its a Saeco Giro, three years old and barely used, Wolfie said. Papa made the coffees and I finally got to have a decent cup'o'java at home.  

Who's the hero in this story? ME!

bonanza

This week Mama and Papa have been disappearing every day at the same time. They told me that they are attending a German course for the next few weeks. I thought they already spoke German?

Yesterday before they left, Papa said 'Don't worry, we are going out to our restaurant later, we'll be back soon.' And then they chucked me in my crate and left. I was feeling pretty tired anyway.

By the time we went out to our restaurant, the Kurhaus Korsakow, I was still tired but I do love going outside. We sat in a different spot in the restaurant where I could see everything. It was tiring for me to say 'Hi' to everyone that walked in. I kept barking at Mama to feed me a bit of her schnitzel and she always did! (Papa never does..Boooo!)

After they were done I thought we were going home. I was really tired. But instead they took me for more of a walk. We went on a U-Barney somewhere. The train is fun but I get a bit scared. Because I am so little, sometimes people don't see me and I am always at risk of getting stepped on. Most of these fuckwits are on their phones or listening to their music with headphones on to notice me. Papa tries to keep me safe but I always pull away trying to see what is going on.

Out of the train we went for a walk, and then we got the U-Barney again back to our neighbourhood. More fuckwits with phones trying to step on me. Out of the U-Barney again we got a tram a very short distance home. Papa keeps saying 'How good are these month cards eh!' Not sure what he means.

I was absolutely stuffed by the time we got home.

This morning before they left Papa sat me down and said 'Sorry Barney, we have to leave again and you won't be going outside at all today'. Shit.

When they came back in the afternoon I wasn't having it. I wanted to go outside. I said 'Papa, while you have been out I have been checking out shit on the internet and apparently one of the best coffee places in Berlin is a tram ride away. Take me there!'.

Papa didn't need convincing so we got the tram up to Prenzlauer Berg.

The place I selected is called 'Bonanza Coffee Heroes'. They roast their own beans and have a special coffee machine and everyone reckons its ace.

The guy that made the coffees looked like 'Shaggy' from Scooby Doo! But he made a good coffee.

I wasn't allowed inside so we had our coffees outside. We were literally 'chilling' out there.

Good coffee as I said, very smooth and not very hot, just the right temperature. This meant we finished them pretty quickly.

Before getting back on the tram I needed to sniff out the place.

And then leave my calling card. This is my tree now...as are several others on the way there and back.

We took the tram back and Papa held me most of the way to protect me from all the feet and lots of prams.

I'm glad I made them take me there, good coffee and a nice day out for me.

suits for horses

After reading about my frequent dirty fur outside exploits my benefactor decided to do something about it. She (Young, slim, vibrant Auntie Toni) ordered me a new snow jacket. She had read that Mama and Papa bought a non waterproof cheapie that clearly wasn't doing the job. She would fix things she told me in an email.

But then a disruption to the plan. The jacket she ordered was too small. I never saw it, but she thought it would be after seeing how I've filled out recently. So, she spoke with Mama and Papa and then ordered me another one and had it sent directly to my house here in Berlin.

Yesterday the door phone buzzer thing rang in our apartment and it was the Deutsche Post lady. Papa went to get it. All of us gathered around to open the package. We knew what it was because Auntie Toni gave us the heads up it was coming.

I was waiting to see my new jacket. Mama broke open the package and then to all our shock we saw that the thing was, how do I say, a little too big. When I say a little, I actually mean waaaaay too big. We didn't even try to put it on me as it was so clear that it was sized to fit a human or a pony.

We all had a bit of a laugh and then felt bad that Auntie Toni's efforts had come to a chuckle. And such a shame as this thing is like a onesie, I could roll around in all kinds of crap and come out squeaky clean.

Then all of a sudden Mama and Papa started measuring me, with Papa's belt. Last time they did it with a bit of paper.

It was clear now why Mama and Papa had measured me before with the paper. They had given Auntie Toni the sizes. THEY had fucked it up and now we had a hot air balloon in the house. Unbelievable. Buy a measuring tape already.

I said to them 'You fucked it up, you sort it out'. So they got in touch with Aunty Toni today and apparently are now getting something done about it. They better! I'm sorry they are such morons Aunty Toni.

I better not miss out on any walks because of this.

quiet on the salty

So I've been quiet with my blog. So what. Well, actually, I'll tell you why. It because I can't flipping say what I flipping want.

Here's how it went down.

So, we've been going for walks and what not and I've been telling you all how it has been going for me... in my own way. Then Papa sits me down last week and says:

'Well Barney, it's great you are writing your own stories but you have got to tone down the salty language. People think you are a cute little doggie, but they are finding out that you are foul mouthed. Is that how you want to be seen?'

'Sugar'. I said. 'Can't I flipping well write what I flipping well want?'

'Well in a way yes, but if you don't relax on the swearing a bit I am going to have to review your writing and change it'. Papa said. 'If you need to emphasise certain things, then why not substitute certain words, like instead of saying f*ck, why not write "flip" and instead of sh*t, you could write "sugar", what do you think?'

'Flip that, this is bullsugar and flipping censorship man. You can flip off. This is sugar.'

'Come on Barney, there's no need to be like that' he said.

'But I learnt all these words from you Papa, and then some!' I said.

'Ssshhh' he said. 'It's okay for you and I to shoot the sugar with the sailor language at home, but I am expecting a bit of maturity from you. You don't hear my flipping swearing all the time do you? Well not ALL the time anyway'.

Then he said 'I don't want to have to threaten you but if you don't calm it down a bit we might have to wash your mouth out with soap'.

And then he showed me the soap and a toothbrush. That seems like a flipping threat to me. And what the flip does soap have to do with this sugary situation anyway?

I was flipping fuming. Papa is the biggest hypocrite, and Mama too if she thinks she's the angel of language as well. I wonder if she is on this 'sit down intervention' as well and just made Papa do the dirty work.

Papa said I should think about it, and that he would 'review' my next blog story if I decided to keep writing. I told him that changing my words would make the stories sugar, that he could flip off and then I went to bed.

But I did think it over during the night. And over the week I guess I have come to understand a bit more about why they felt the need to sit me down. But! I don't agree with changing  how I express my self. That's me man, that's how I write, and if something is flipped, then I'm gonna call it and say it's flipped. Why soften it by saying 'flip' when you can say what you really want and shout it out...FLIIIIIIP!

Also over the week Mama and Papa have been really good to me and I realised that they are really good to me all the time. Since moving to Berlin they are around ALL the time. I asked them yesterday and they said 'We stopped working so that we can spend more time together as a family, and we moved countries so that you can come with us more often when we go places that ordinarily you wouldn't have been allowed to go to'.

I thought about what they said. They are absolutely right, but I didn't tell them that.

And then, they took me out last night to dinner, at 'our' place, the 'Kurhaus Korsakow', partly because Papa like a bargain and Mama loves a schnitzel but also because its a restaurant they know they can take me to without hassle.

On the walk there and back most of the snow had melted and I got myself dirty again. On the way home they stopped so I could enjoy a light show on the footpath, but they knew I was dirty and wanted to help me get clean.

At home Papa said he would try and make things easier for me and wash me in the hand basin.

It didn't work and he had to wash me in the shower. Mama had to dry me with the towel, and they both combed and dried me off with the hairdryer.

Thinking about it, they are really doing the rightey by me and  the swearing thing is just a little bump in the road. It seems that everything is forgiven. I love them, they love me. And I am back writing. I don't know how things will go from here with the writing stuff, but I ain't changin' my views and style. If it keeps being a problem maybe I'll write less, or stop altogether. I don't want it to come between us.

I wonder if Papa will really check my writing this time, and change my flips to flips and my sugars to sugars?.

me? a restaurant? wow!

Mama and Papa got their coats on this evening and said 'Barney, we are going out tonight with out friends Tom and Danika'. Great a night home alone for me. :(

But then they got me dressed in my coat too? Wha? I thought they were going to a restaurant. I've always been excluded from these places before. What are they anyway?

So we went walking to our local tram stop where I met Tom and Danika for the first time. Mama and Papa had met them back at home when they did German lessons together. They were all speaking English though. How good were these lessons then?

We then walked to a restaurant in our local area called the 'Kurhaus Korsakow'. Mama and Papa went there last week without me but said I was allowed to come this time. Wow!

Inside we went and no one seemed to care that I, the cutest dog in the world, had also strolled in. I said 'Hello! It is me, Barney and this is my first time in a restaurant!'. No one cared.

Seeing as there was no fuss I took my position under the table. Sniffing our the situation. I got my lead tangled in the chair legs but Papa helped me sort that one out.

The four of them ordered schnitzels. I didn't get anything, but that was okay as I ate earlier.

Mama and Papa chatted with Tom and Danika about their shared experiences with a move to Berlin. Tom and Danika have just been here a week so far and were telling us all about their adventures and experiences at their apartment. Then they started talking about me and my 'barking problem'. How embarrassing. I hid under the table for that.

 Mama kept checking under the table that I was okay. I was. Back off!

Once they finished talking about me I made an appearance at the table to see them all face to face and see what they were eating. Looks okay I guess.

Mama and Papa say this is their 'Tuesday night regular' as there is a special on these nights where all meals are 6 Euros. Apparently this is a bargain, and Papa likes a bargain. I don't pay for anything so this means nothing to me. They seem to like it, and if they keep bringing me here, then it's my 'Tuesday night regular' too. Woo hoo!.

After dinner the whole crew came back to my place. I entertained by barking at Tom and Danika. Mama didn't seem to like this. Then it was time for them to go home and I went out again to walk them to the tram! Sheesh, I love a walk, but I am ready for bed.

I go shopping...and apologising

Over the past week Mama and Papa have been taking me on walks everyday. We don't seem to go anywhere particular, just around the neighbourhood usually. I am starting to wonder if they are trying to make me tired so I don't bark when they go out. I guess it works a little bit because I am tired when we come back from walks, but I still like to bark a bit when I know they aren't home.

So today I got dressed again for a walk. I get pretty excited during this process. I know what's coming!

Outside, Papa clipped my lead to his backpack. He keeps on doing this. Mama doesn't like it. Papa says it lets him keep his hands warm. I don't really care.

When we went out, we went to the market area that we've been twice before. Oh great, same old shit again. "No Barney, on Saturdays they have a different market, its a food market today!' - they said. Oh okay, a different market. Let's check it out!

This market was nice, lots of different stalls.

We had good look around and then the three of us had a coffee at one of the outdoor coffee stalls.

These coffees were pretty good, probably the best one we have had so far.

And I made a mess of myself getting the last of the foam out. Yuuuuummmmmeee!

After the market I thought it was all over and back home. But no, they walked a while to a shopping place called the 'Ring Centre'. Great, me and Papa would need to stand outside as per usual while Mama goes in.

But no! They just walked the three of us straight in. Are we allowed to do this? Are my parents breaking the law. It was so strange for me to be inside a shopping centre. I've only ever heard about these things from Mama.

And here we were, so many people, so many feet to dodge, and yet no one really seemed to care that I was in here. Allriiiiight!

I went shopping for some jeans. But none in my size.

Then we went to a big electronics store where Mama did some shopping. I just chilled out, still stunned I was allowed in here!

The only place I wasn't allowed to go was the supermarket. I didn't mind, Papa and I sat outside the supermarket but still in the shopping centre. People were coming up to me and talking to Papa about what kind of dog I was and an old couple was absolutely smitten with me. Of course!

Once Mama was done we started walking home. Just before we got to our front door they stopped and rang someone else's doorbell. Papa spoke to them in German but I could understand what he was saying. "Hello, we are your neighbours with the dog. You wrote us a note. Can we speak to you?'

They said 'Ja' and the door clicked open and we walked up to their apartment.

Oh fuck, am I in trouble? Papa turned to me and said 'Barney, these are the people you have been annoying. Behave, and apologise'.

The neighbours let us in the apartment and Mama and Papa started to talk to them in German. They must have run out of German because everyone started to speak English. I was really worried for a while, but these neighbours turned out to be absolutely lovely. What was even lovelier was their apartment! Wow. It is twice the size of ours!

Mama and Papa had a good chat with the neighbour and they said that I wasn't really that much of a problem. YAY! They also admitted that they are not the quietest either, to which Papa agreed and said we can hear someone running around all the time. Well, we bloody can! Its their child. They have another one on the way as well. Great, in a few months I'll have to deal with a ruddy screaming baby (I was going to say 'fucking' here instead of  'ruddy', but Papa said not to use that word too much).

Mama and Papa and the neighbours were all smiles when we left. Looks like we are all in the good books. Woo hoo!

However, that didn't stop me getting put in the crate again tonight. Guess I am not entirely off the hook,