Why do dogs lick?

Okay, so we all have little Obsessive Compulsive habits right? Mine just happens to be that I like licking stuff.

That ain't so bad is it?

Well my parents think its a bad thing and it is a constant source of tension between us. I can't tell you how many times a day I get shouted at 'BARNEY, DON'T LICK!'

Truth is I can't stop. I habitually lick the bed spread and the pillows.

I keep hearing Mama and Papa saying 'I wonder if he is salt or sugar deficient?'

Yea I have my problems, but those two have their own fucking stupid habits and I don't say anything about that do I! Lay off me man.

So this morning, as usual I had a bit of a licking attack. Papa picks me up and says 'Right Barney, we are going to sort this out. I've devised an experiment to see what is going on.'

So he puts me down in front of a plate, with lines of different food stuffs:

• Hazelnut spread, 
• Peanut butter
• Sugar 
• Salt 
• Honey

I have only ever heard of hazelnut spread and peanut butter, no idea what the other shit is.

And he smugly says to Mama - 'Okay, so we will watch him and see what he goes for and that will determine what he needs'.

I get put in front of this stupid plate, like I am a scientific experiment and Papa says to me in such a condescending way, 'Good boy, go for it champ!'

Fuck you and your champ bullshit. But I went to lick at the plate anyway. It's what I do.

I immediately went for the shit I knew about. Hazelnut spread first...I love that!

Then I paused. Papa says 'Is that it Barney? there's more for you there'

I know dickhead, no need to rush.

After my pause I went for the peanut butter, yum. Another pause.

Papa turns to Mama, 'Looks like he's stopped'

No I hadn't geez, just give me a break Mr speedy.

I then went for the shit called sugar. WHOA! really strong sweet taste, but I still licked it all up. I liked the small amount there but wouldn't want much more.

Then Papa looks at Mama and says 'I think he's going for the salt next' now we'll see if that is what he's after'.

I try the salt. HOLY FUCK what is this shit? This is disgusting and my tongue shrivelled up in my mouth like a turtle going back in its shell. Fuck that, I wasn't going to try any more of that.

And the last sticky shit? The honey? I didn't touch it. Papa dipped his finger in it and I had a quick lick of it. Not impressed, but then again I couldn't taste a fucking thing after the salt fiasco.

Papa looked at me. He looked at Mama.

I thought, What's your conclusion Genius?

He stood there, rubbed his head and exclaimed - 'These test results are inconclusive. He likes the sweet spread and the salty spread, the sugar, but not the salt and the honey. It doesn't make sense'.

'Maybe he's just got a psychological disorder'.

Duh, I could have told him that.

We all gave up. I went to sleep and everyone went back to what they were doing.

Just let me lick dude - it's just something I do. Deal with it.