quiet on the salty

So I've been quiet with my blog. So what. Well, actually, I'll tell you why. It because I can't flipping say what I flipping want.

Here's how it went down.

So, we've been going for walks and what not and I've been telling you all how it has been going for me... in my own way. Then Papa sits me down last week and says:

'Well Barney, it's great you are writing your own stories but you have got to tone down the salty language. People think you are a cute little doggie, but they are finding out that you are foul mouthed. Is that how you want to be seen?'

'Sugar'. I said. 'Can't I flipping well write what I flipping well want?'

'Well in a way yes, but if you don't relax on the swearing a bit I am going to have to review your writing and change it'. Papa said. 'If you need to emphasise certain things, then why not substitute certain words, like instead of saying f*ck, why not write "flip" and instead of sh*t, you could write "sugar", what do you think?'

'Flip that, this is bullsugar and flipping censorship man. You can flip off. This is sugar.'

'Come on Barney, there's no need to be like that' he said.

'But I learnt all these words from you Papa, and then some!' I said.

'Ssshhh' he said. 'It's okay for you and I to shoot the sugar with the sailor language at home, but I am expecting a bit of maturity from you. You don't hear my flipping swearing all the time do you? Well not ALL the time anyway'.

Then he said 'I don't want to have to threaten you but if you don't calm it down a bit we might have to wash your mouth out with soap'.

And then he showed me the soap and a toothbrush. That seems like a flipping threat to me. And what the flip does soap have to do with this sugary situation anyway?

I was flipping fuming. Papa is the biggest hypocrite, and Mama too if she thinks she's the angel of language as well. I wonder if she is on this 'sit down intervention' as well and just made Papa do the dirty work.

Papa said I should think about it, and that he would 'review' my next blog story if I decided to keep writing. I told him that changing my words would make the stories sugar, that he could flip off and then I went to bed.

But I did think it over during the night. And over the week I guess I have come to understand a bit more about why they felt the need to sit me down. But! I don't agree with changing  how I express my self. That's me man, that's how I write, and if something is flipped, then I'm gonna call it and say it's flipped. Why soften it by saying 'flip' when you can say what you really want and shout it out...FLIIIIIIP!

Also over the week Mama and Papa have been really good to me and I realised that they are really good to me all the time. Since moving to Berlin they are around ALL the time. I asked them yesterday and they said 'We stopped working so that we can spend more time together as a family, and we moved countries so that you can come with us more often when we go places that ordinarily you wouldn't have been allowed to go to'.

I thought about what they said. They are absolutely right, but I didn't tell them that.

And then, they took me out last night to dinner, at 'our' place, the 'Kurhaus Korsakow', partly because Papa like a bargain and Mama loves a schnitzel but also because its a restaurant they know they can take me to without hassle.

On the walk there and back most of the snow had melted and I got myself dirty again. On the way home they stopped so I could enjoy a light show on the footpath, but they knew I was dirty and wanted to help me get clean.

At home Papa said he would try and make things easier for me and wash me in the hand basin.

It didn't work and he had to wash me in the shower. Mama had to dry me with the towel, and they both combed and dried me off with the hairdryer.

Thinking about it, they are really doing the rightey by me and  the swearing thing is just a little bump in the road. It seems that everything is forgiven. I love them, they love me. And I am back writing. I don't know how things will go from here with the writing stuff, but I ain't changin' my views and style. If it keeps being a problem maybe I'll write less, or stop altogether. I don't want it to come between us.

I wonder if Papa will really check my writing this time, and change my flips to flips and my sugars to sugars?.

me? a restaurant? wow!

Mama and Papa got their coats on this evening and said 'Barney, we are going out tonight with out friends Tom and Danika'. Great a night home alone for me. :(

But then they got me dressed in my coat too? Wha? I thought they were going to a restaurant. I've always been excluded from these places before. What are they anyway?

So we went walking to our local tram stop where I met Tom and Danika for the first time. Mama and Papa had met them back at home when they did German lessons together. They were all speaking English though. How good were these lessons then?

We then walked to a restaurant in our local area called the 'Kurhaus Korsakow'. Mama and Papa went there last week without me but said I was allowed to come this time. Wow!

Inside we went and no one seemed to care that I, the cutest dog in the world, had also strolled in. I said 'Hello! It is me, Barney and this is my first time in a restaurant!'. No one cared.

Seeing as there was no fuss I took my position under the table. Sniffing our the situation. I got my lead tangled in the chair legs but Papa helped me sort that one out.

The four of them ordered schnitzels. I didn't get anything, but that was okay as I ate earlier.

Mama and Papa chatted with Tom and Danika about their shared experiences with a move to Berlin. Tom and Danika have just been here a week so far and were telling us all about their adventures and experiences at their apartment. Then they started talking about me and my 'barking problem'. How embarrassing. I hid under the table for that.

 Mama kept checking under the table that I was okay. I was. Back off!

Once they finished talking about me I made an appearance at the table to see them all face to face and see what they were eating. Looks okay I guess.

Mama and Papa say this is their 'Tuesday night regular' as there is a special on these nights where all meals are 6 Euros. Apparently this is a bargain, and Papa likes a bargain. I don't pay for anything so this means nothing to me. They seem to like it, and if they keep bringing me here, then it's my 'Tuesday night regular' too. Woo hoo!.

After dinner the whole crew came back to my place. I entertained by barking at Tom and Danika. Mama didn't seem to like this. Then it was time for them to go home and I went out again to walk them to the tram! Sheesh, I love a walk, but I am ready for bed.

I go shopping...and apologising

Over the past week Mama and Papa have been taking me on walks everyday. We don't seem to go anywhere particular, just around the neighbourhood usually. I am starting to wonder if they are trying to make me tired so I don't bark when they go out. I guess it works a little bit because I am tired when we come back from walks, but I still like to bark a bit when I know they aren't home.

So today I got dressed again for a walk. I get pretty excited during this process. I know what's coming!

Outside, Papa clipped my lead to his backpack. He keeps on doing this. Mama doesn't like it. Papa says it lets him keep his hands warm. I don't really care.

When we went out, we went to the market area that we've been twice before. Oh great, same old shit again. "No Barney, on Saturdays they have a different market, its a food market today!' - they said. Oh okay, a different market. Let's check it out!

This market was nice, lots of different stalls.

We had good look around and then the three of us had a coffee at one of the outdoor coffee stalls.

These coffees were pretty good, probably the best one we have had so far.

And I made a mess of myself getting the last of the foam out. Yuuuuummmmmeee!

After the market I thought it was all over and back home. But no, they walked a while to a shopping place called the 'Ring Centre'. Great, me and Papa would need to stand outside as per usual while Mama goes in.

But no! They just walked the three of us straight in. Are we allowed to do this? Are my parents breaking the law. It was so strange for me to be inside a shopping centre. I've only ever heard about these things from Mama.

And here we were, so many people, so many feet to dodge, and yet no one really seemed to care that I was in here. Allriiiiight!

I went shopping for some jeans. But none in my size.

Then we went to a big electronics store where Mama did some shopping. I just chilled out, still stunned I was allowed in here!

The only place I wasn't allowed to go was the supermarket. I didn't mind, Papa and I sat outside the supermarket but still in the shopping centre. People were coming up to me and talking to Papa about what kind of dog I was and an old couple was absolutely smitten with me. Of course!

Once Mama was done we started walking home. Just before we got to our front door they stopped and rang someone else's doorbell. Papa spoke to them in German but I could understand what he was saying. "Hello, we are your neighbours with the dog. You wrote us a note. Can we speak to you?'

They said 'Ja' and the door clicked open and we walked up to their apartment.

Oh fuck, am I in trouble? Papa turned to me and said 'Barney, these are the people you have been annoying. Behave, and apologise'.

The neighbours let us in the apartment and Mama and Papa started to talk to them in German. They must have run out of German because everyone started to speak English. I was really worried for a while, but these neighbours turned out to be absolutely lovely. What was even lovelier was their apartment! Wow. It is twice the size of ours!

Mama and Papa had a good chat with the neighbour and they said that I wasn't really that much of a problem. YAY! They also admitted that they are not the quietest either, to which Papa agreed and said we can hear someone running around all the time. Well, we bloody can! Its their child. They have another one on the way as well. Great, in a few months I'll have to deal with a ruddy screaming baby (I was going to say 'fucking' here instead of  'ruddy', but Papa said not to use that word too much).

Mama and Papa and the neighbours were all smiles when we left. Looks like we are all in the good books. Woo hoo!

However, that didn't stop me getting put in the crate again tonight. Guess I am not entirely off the hook,

making friends

The crate funny business is ongoing. I've worked out a pattern. I am put in there twice a day even if my parents are home. They are obviously grooming me for when they go out. I have decided to stop barking if I am in there (At least if I know they are at home). I've been getting great treats when they let me out so that is working well for me.

And this morning I was crated again. Once I was let out they dressed me up and we went for a walk. It was bloody cold today but not wet. I didn't get dirty at all and my jacket kept me nice and warm. This jacket seems to be good for cold and dry days.

Along our walk I made lots of friends. Seems like lots of dogs were getting their walkies today.

We walked out of our local area and through a place called Görlitzer Park. This was a nice park and lots of dogs wanted to say hi to me.

There was one dog, Max, that absolutely loved me. He was immature, only 6 months old, so I didn't pay him much attention. He was bugging me for much of my walk through the park.

Even out of the park, dogs were coming up to me and saying 'Hey Barney, how's your day going?'

We ended up in the heart of an area called Kreuzberg. Mama and Papa said they used to live here. They were only here for 7 days, that's not really living somewhere is it. Guys, you 'visited' here.

They took me to their 'old hood' and we sat down outside for a coffee. I sat on a stool because the ground was too cold and had a cappuccino.

After coffee we had a brisk walk home. The sun was going down and so was the temperature! It was like minus 2 degrees and my paws were freezing up. I'm a hero though and so this doesn't bother me.

On the way back we stopped to get a memento of the day at a photoautomat machine. We had four photos taken in this booth thing. It took a while for them to develop and it was freezing waiting there.

The final photos were okay, but I got missed out in the last one, and Papa had his eyes shut in the first. At least we have two photos that we can reminisce on this great day out together!

they are up to something

Last night my parents brought out my crate from the storeroom. Ello 'ello 'ello, what's all this about?

They made the bedroom door in such a way that if I wanted to go in there I could only go in the crate. I had a sniff around in there. Had a sit down, but mainly I preferred to lay out in the room with them. Why the sudden appearance of the crate I kept asking myself.

In the morning the put me in the crate and then just fucking left. This is probably something to do with the alleged 'barking issue'. Stuff that. Bark away Barney!

I gave it a whole lot of yap yap and then all of a sudden they came back home. I wonder if it was my barking  that did it? They must like my barking to come home to me. That's positive reinforcement!

They took me out of the crate, put my jacket on and then we had a wonderful day out together. I even went shopping with Papa for some '4 eye piece of shit waste of bloody money don't need them glasses'. Well that's what he called them.

We even went to a cafe, though we sat outside. It was a bit cold for me.

Back at home the crate came out again. First I was put in for a little while. And then after dinner I was put in for longer. These people are up to something. I didn't say a peep while I was in there and they gave me treats each time they let me out. Hmm, bark and they come home. Don't bark and I get treats. Which one will I choose? Not sure yet.

I think Mama and Papa think its not nice for me in the crate but I actually like it. It's my 'den instinct' man - I like small spaces. It makes me feel safe and secure. Why do they think I sleep under the bed when I can hardly even fit my guts under it?

So, I wonder what they are up to. Tonight I will study crate, look for clues and piece together the events of the last week to come up with a reason for their odd behaviour.

Actually, that sounds too hard. I'm just going to sleep. I'm sure they will let me know what is going on later.

so offended

Ma and Pa dressed me up in my jacket and took me for a walk. It was cold outside but with my jacket it was nice and cosy. There was no rain so I didn't even get dirty. Everyone was happy about that.

Out on the street people have started to throw away their Christmas trees. This has been happening a bit since New Years Day, but as of today it looks like most people have decided to heave the trees as there were so many about.

We went for a huge walk to an area none of us had been before. We had a round trip and made it back to the apartment.

I was tired and was hoping to knock off and sneak off to bed. But NO! Everything got very serious.

Papa made us a cup of tea and he sat me down. He said 'Now Barney, see this note? This is a complaint from the neighbour about your barking.' We got it yesterday, but your Mama and I have been discussing what we should do about it before talking to you.

I was so pissed off and offended. I don't bark too much, and bloody hell, when they leave me alone I get lonely and scared. Usually I only bark for a little while to see if they will change their minds and take me, but once I know they are really gone I just go to sleep. Geez, no need to write a note about it.

I told Papa all this and he said 'I know Barney, I know you miss us and want to come, but sometimes you just can't and you have to stay here. If we could take you all the time we would.'

So we discussed the issue and both Ma and Pa had some stern words to me about needing to stay quiet. They said I espescially need to be quiet at night and also between 1pm to 3pm, apparently a house rule of quiet time. I said I would try but couldn't guarantee anything.

Then we moved on to what should we do to acknowledge the complaint. I suggested we lay a 'steamer' at the neighbours front door. Apparently they didn't think that would help the matter.

Instead, Papa made me sit and write a note to the neighbour. I put on my writing glasses and had a go at the note. Once I had finished I asked Papa if it was okay and he said it was and we would 'sit on it' and decide whether to give it to the neighbour later on.

Ma and Pa gave me a hug and said 'Barney, now we live in Germany, they have some funny rules that we aren't used to. We are all going to have some adjustment and you need to help us. We don't want to piss the neighbours off and have to deal with ongoing issues'.

We left it there, but I'm still fucking offended. How bloody dare they. ME? A COMPLAINT? Unbelievable.

Bloody rain

After a couple of days couped up in this apartment, my parents told me I could go out for a walk today.

Woo hoo! So excited.

They put my non-rain-proof jacket on and off we went.

Outside it was raining a bit. Oh oh, here we go again.

We went for a walk around the local neighbourhood trying to hug the buildings to stay out of the rain. It wasn't working. I saw myself in a water reflection - GASP - I'd done it again. I was filthy and wet and my jacket was soaked again. Good one.

I don't know about this country. I never got messed up like this at home.

I wondered what Ma and Pa were going to say when they found out that I was dirty again. Papa stopped in an alley way and lifted me up - 'Geez Barn, you've done it again'. Shit mate, not much I can do about it. Besides - I am wearing the jacket YOU bought for ME.

Don't blame me that you only buy shit on special.

We went to the shops, and along the way I jumped in puddles just to piss them off. Hahah.

Mum went inside to get us some grub and Papa and I stood out in the cold. Papa lifted me up again and said "What are we going to do with you?'.

Don't ask me. And don't say we. I do my thing, you deal with it. That's the way things work here buddy.

I gave him the cold shoulder after that.

So anyway, standing out in the cold waiting for Mama I came up with a joke.

Q: Why did the dog put his front feet in a puddle?
A: He wanted two paws for reflection.

Come on - that's my first try...don't like it...bah. Whatever.

Back at home I knew what was coming. Immediately confined to the shower for a wash. It wasn't too bad this time as they only gave me a quick once over and I liked the warm water on my feet.

Once all clean I hopped on the computer to tell me story to my adoring fans.

parenting...

Those bloody bastards.

After being so scared with all the noises they would say 'It's ok Barney', 'Stay with us, don't worry about it'.

So I hugged them.

And then.
They packed their shit.
And fucked off.
Without me.

But they left a light on for me. "That will make you feel better won't it Barney".

No it bloody didn't.

I was so upset. They put me in my room and left. I was alone, the noises only got worse and I got more and more scared. I sat on the bed. I sat in the corner. I sat by the door. I hid under the bed.

I sat there for ages so upset that they had left me alone, with just a friggin' light for company.

But then I fell asleep.

And I head them come up the steps.
I heard them come in the door.
And all my fears dripped away. I was so happy to see them. MUMMY!